The scene opens in an underground bunker (that looks eerily like a rat’s nest) in Burlington, Wisconsin. This is the secret lair of Darth Vos--Sith lord and apprentice to Emperor Palpatrump--both masters of the dork side of the Force. Grand Moff Fernholz, a long-time henchman for Emperor Palpatrump, enters menacingly.
GRAND MOFF FERNHOLZ
Greetings Darth Vos, the Emperor has sent for me to again clean up your messes. I thought we stopped that young rebel from causing any more mischief, but now he is suing to remove the Emperor from Wisconsin’s ballot.
DARTH VOS
Rein in that sharp tongue, Fernholz! The Emperor may have promoted you to Grand Moff and made you a member of his secret Federalist Society even though you can’t grow facial hair, but that doesn’t give you the power you think it does on Planet Wisconsin. I am Lord here and have the power to destroy you. It’s not my fault you didn’t kill Jedi Bangstad when you had the chance.
GRAND MOFF FERNHOLZ
Indeed, I believed that our orchestrated legal victory over him would inflict a mortal wound, but his lawyers are not easily deterred. They appealed the $750,000 defamation sentence, which gave Jedi Bangstad the time he needed to regain power by selling #ProgressiveBeer.
DARTH VOS
I helped you as best I could. Not only did I aim the Emperor’s propaganda machine on Bangstad’s provincial jurors, but I turned the judge to the dork side. The Jedi’s defeat was assured!
GRAND MOFF FERNHOLZ
Interesting. How did you turn the judge?
DARTH VOS
It was easy. He grew up in the outer rim where they’ve been taught to worship guns and fear being replaced by humans with darker skin. I simply used the Force to ensure that the judge won a gun raffle being held at the Pack Em Inn in Crandon, Forest County’s largest city. Once that Winchester XPR was in his pasty-white hands, he was forever turned to the dork side.
GRAND MOFF FERNHOLZ
Well played, Darth Vos, well played...But how has Jedi Bangstad been able to file a lawsuit to remove the Emperor from Wisconsin’s ballot? I thought you held every lever of power on Planet Wisconsin.DARTH VOS
I believed I did. A year ago, I held Wisconsin’s Supreme Court in my pocket. I also installed a clone trooper, whom we called Bob Spindell, to the Wisconsin Elections Commission, so they were powerless to do anything when we forged the name of Emperor Palpatrump as Wisconsin’s electoral victor.Unfortunately, another young Jedi by the name of Wikler has harnessed the Force in ways I hadn’t predicted. As the leader of Planet Wisconsin's Democratic Party, he appealed to the people of Wisconsin not through fear, but through the assurance of democracy and justice. With his guidance, voters no longer assumed they were powerless and thus didn't respond with indifference as prophesied. Instead, they rose up against us, elected a progressive justice, and changed the balance of Wisconsin's Supreme Court. I am no longer able to control them.
GRAND MOFF FERNHOLZ
Damn Jedi Wikler! Justice and democracy have been the undoing of the dork force since our Sith ancestors were created within the crucible of Chiarsoscuro.DARTH VOS
Silence Grand Moff Fernholz! This heightened agitation will further stunt your moustaches.GRAND MOFF FERNHOLZ
Say what you will about my cherubic appearance Darth Vos, but I’ve been sent by the Emperor to fix your mistakes. Although Palpatrump has already stacked America’s highest court with his obsequious servants, which should render Jedi Bangstad’s lawsuit moot, I’ve signed on to defend Planet Wisconsin's Republican Party, just in case your power further erodes and the Force bends away from us.
DARTH VOS
How dare you speak of power to me! I’d still rule supremely on Planet Wisconsin today if the Emperor hadn’t overreached. Everyone knows he lost that last election, but he forced me to lie for him, and when I finally refused, he tried to unseat me. Just last week I uncovered his secret money laundering scheme to replace me with another brainless clone trooper.
GRAND MOFF FERNHOLZ
Speak softly, Darth Vos. The Emperor can hear everything you say, and he has little patience with those who question his omnipotence.
DARTH VOS
I’m starting to have little patience with the sycophantic minions of a desperate Sith Lord. You DO know, Fernholz, that if the Emperor loses, you will no longer be the Grand Moff of anything...and those, like you, who did his bidding, will forever be tainted with the stench of his failure. Tread carefully on Planet Wisconsin, Fernholz, for the winds seem to be changing, and the Rebellion’s power is growing.
THE END